Co-parenting with a High Conflict Person

Never wrestle with a pig because you’ll both get dirty and the pig likes it.
-George Bernard Shaw

Co-parenting with a high-conflict person (“HCP”) can be mentally, physically, emotionally, and even financially draining. Th HCPs frequently engage in patterns of high conflict behavior that increase, rather than reduce or avoid, conflict. If you are co-parenting with an HCP, you may notice that your ex seems to thrive on conflict and is energized with each emotionally fueled exchange, while you feel depleted, frustrated, and utterly baffled by the unfairness of it all. You perhaps feel even more defeated when your therapist, friend or family law attorney advises you to “take the high road” for the children’s benefit which, in your view, lets the other parent get away with self-centered, toxic behavior. While being the bigger person and not engaging in every disagreement may feel like rolling over and surrendering to bad behavior, it is a strategic move. It is denying the HCP co-parent the gratification of siphoning your energy.

Controlling your Reaction

One of the first steps to co-parenting with an HCP is to understand and accept that you cannot change the other parent. Much of the frustration that accompanies interacting with an HCP co-parent is from the inability to accept how this person thinks and behaves. And as much as you plead, hope, reason with and wish the other parent would just “put the children first,” stop “fighting about everything” or “acting like a spoiled child” who demands his or her own way, the reality is this will probably never happen. You cannot control or change the other parent. All you can do is control how you respond. Controlling your emotional response is a superpower. The famous Stoic Roman emperor, Marcus Aurelius, recognized this superpower and successfully ruled Rome through plagues, invasions, and financial crisis from 161 CE to 180 CE. His collected personal writings, titled Meditations, is actionable advice that discusses the importance and power of mastering emotions and the art of choosing perspective. “Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears.”― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations. Of course this isn’t easy, and it takes practice, determination, and focus, but the results can be powerful. If you cease reacting and instead learn appropriate responses and tactics, you will be amazed at benefits you achieve for yourself and your children.

Boundaries

Setting boundaries when co-parenting with an HCP is important. While the HCP co-parent will most likely test the boundary if not walk right over it, your focus should be on responding appropriately so not to feed the HCPs negative energy while maintaining the boundary in a thoughtful, calm manner. Remember, HCPs frequently thrive on conflict. Unless it is a true emergency, immediately responding to an HCP when you are filled with emotion is usually not the best approach.

Grey Rock and BIFF

Professionals frequently recommend engaging in the “grey rock” strategy when dealing with an HCP. Proponents of “grey rock” theorize that when dealing with an emotionally abusive, confrontational, or toxic person, withholding your reaction removes the individual’s perception of gaining power from your discomfort and anger. If you show no emotion, the idea is the person will get bored from the lack of a response. Granted, like a small child trying to get attention, the HCP may increase his/her antics to get a response from you, but consistently responding in a grey rock manner will usually result in reducing the antagonistic behavior. Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. co-founder of the High Conflict Institute has authored several books on dealing with HCPs in divorce and co-parenting situations.

Mr. Eddy coined the phrase “BIFF” to help guide individuals as they engage in verbal or written communication with a difficult co-parent. Mr. Eddy’s advice is to keep the communication with the co-parent Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. His book “BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People,” provides a wide range of conflict examples that can occur over social media, emails, texts and letters between co-parents and provides examples of how to respond in a BIFF-fashion.

Seek Support and Advice

While you probably know intellectually not to take what the co-parent says personally, it can still sting and the constant negativity and challenges that accompany co-parenting with an HCP can take a toll on you mentally and physically. It is important that you create a support system, which should include a mental health professional who can provide professional guidance and advice. If the co-parent begins to play games with the visitation schedule, child support, unauthorized travel, etc., seek the advice of an attorney.

Frequently, the HCP co-parent will speak ill about you to the children or involve the children in conflicts. It is important that you do not further the children’s involvement in adult issues. How you talk to your children when a parent bad mouths you or includes them in conflicts is dependent on the children’s ages. It is recommended that you seek guidance from a licensed mental health professional. Thankfully there are many resources available that provide parents guidance in handling challenging dynamics so children can feel safe and supported and understand that a parent’s anger or behavior is not his/her fault.

*Recommended Reading:

• Talking to Children about Divorce: A Parent’s Guide to Healthy Communication at Each Stage of Divorce: Expert Advice for Kids’ Emotional Recovery by Jean McBride MS LMFt, Kristin Price, et al.
• Meditations: A New Translation by Marcus Aurelius
• BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts by Bill Eddy
• High Conflict People in Legal Disputes by Bill Eddy

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